THE DEATH OF OSAMA. THE EGGMCFUCK. THE THORCUPS. GREAT TRIUMPHS FOR AMERICA!

I don’t normally write posts that don’t relate to some kind of movie or fast food product, but this has been a helluva week so I feel like I need to attempt to organize my thoughts into some kind of poignant ramble for the sake of posterity. Where were YOU on the day of the Royal Wedding No one cares; dumb Brits. Get a divorce and settle for a bazillion dollars then throw cash on the streets. But now…where were you when they SHOT BIN LADEN IN THE FUCKING EYE? Why I was out celebrating with the rest of the good ol’ citizens of America. I’m not one for blatant jingoistic sentiment, but my excitement built up over the course of Sunday night until it hit critical mass. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to pet Obama’s head so badly. Perhaps I should slow down. I wouldn’t want to forget to mention the Thorcups.

Then it was time to celebrate active hater of my blog, Tyler Lopachin’s 21st birthday. We went to a couple bars, and by the time we walked into a second one, some rowdy Boston peasants were telling us that they got Osama…it was just uphill from there. I ended up spending the night hanging out with a friend at emerson watching the developments on the television and rejoicing in the death of a terrorist. We blew up the Death Star. We destroyed the T-1000. We won the Nascar 500. It was a collective victory. Pretty soon people were busting out the Charlie Sheen chants. I decided the time was right in the morning. It was time for the Egg Mcfuck at Dunkin.

I don’t really remember how good it was because I was coming down from “euphoria” but I remember really appreciating the tiny specks of pepper. The bread tasted like sex. I guess. I don’t know. I’ve eaten a lot more bread than I’ve had sex, so I might have to draw a more normal comparison somewhere.

Did I mention that I finally got the giant fucking Thor cups? I think I went to around ten 7-11's trying to find them. Did I succeed? Yeah I did. We drank out of them after haggling with some dumbass 7-11 employees who thought we were trying to con them out of slurpees the night of THOR at midnight. Which was pretty entertaining actually. I’d give it a solid B.

I’d give this post a solid C. It’s far too normal.

I'M KINDA EXCITED TO SEE THOR

Hark! The title bestowed upon this blog post was so obvious an old man and a fool could have agreed upon it. This entry shall here by be wrote in the tongue of the Norseman and the mighty Anthony Hopkins. Upon the rumblings of April, the heavens of Asgard opened and struck the world with Thor-mania. Odin looked upon his work and proclaimed it was good. 7-11 was among the first of puny human establishments to fall to the might of the mjolnir. Thou dare visit 7-11 upon multiple happenstance to exchange currency for thine mighty Thor Slurpees? Nay. Surely you jest Loki! I jest not. Thou hath consumeth now a trifle short of four Thor Slurpees, with the number equivalent to three.

Be there a flavor of god nector flavored with the scent of the maiden Natalie Portman or Thor Sweat, my attempts to find it have been met with failure. I have filled my goblet and drank well of COCA COLA and CHERRY FLAVORED slurpees emblazoned with the thor crests of advertising.

The first thing mere mortals may notice about the goblets is they are adorned with the lenticular motion patterns of hammer-tossing. Atop the perch of the ...lid...rests a mighty statue of a god or foe or Asgard for children drinking the slurpee to devlope idol worship upon. They will cling to these miniature talismans of the mighty Marvel franchise for the rest of their pathetic lives, spiting their foolish parents who try to make them believe the heroic avenger's golden locks are but myth.

So far in my travels thou has exchanged around a grand total of around ten dollars of human currency for thor related slurpee trinket, now posessing resuable plastic cups and straws with the manly visage of Thor, Loki and the evil fire breathing destroyer. Tis a grand bargain and cause for celebration surely!

What could improve perhaps these glorious tokens of asgard? Why of course the jolly liquid known as VODKA. Nave, coward and god alike shall walk the streets swinging hammers with reckless abandon under it's spell with Thor slurpees posessing more spikes than the armor of thee destroyer!

Having enjoyed them to maximum godly potential now, I still require one more cup and miniature ho figurine to have them all. The marking spell of Odin is absolute. So I will soon pound my fist upon the countertop of 7-11 yelling for ANOTHA!

Blogging out of boredom, but how can you be bored with Ketchup packets that open TWO WAYS?

I think the title of the entry is pretty self explanatory. I caught some heat from dumbass readers after the last entry who apparently didn't read the rules before showing up to my party. Yes I'm kind to the few fans that I have. I kind of feel like Mel Gibson in the Beaver right now. If you haven't seen the trailer you should probably look it up before doing anything else in your life...including going to the bathroom and evacuating the Thor slurpees you just drank.

I'm starting to come to the harsh realization that this blog has devolved into little more than an epic retelling of my encounters with shitty fast food product extraordinaire. I use the word "shitty" in the loosest sense.

So while I haven't ever blogged about the 7th wonder of the world known as "Chick Fil A", you should know for the sake of posterity and to give you context for this entry, that I consider it a holy place. Chick Fil A is about as close as I come to tangible proof of a higher power. Milkshakes. Nuggets. A motif of terrified cows holding up poorly worded signs. Waffle fries (which are referenced in Unforgivable no less). Yes they have pretty much everything. But now they've rolled out with something that you couldn't have possibly guessed they'd roll out with next. Like if you HAD to find something wrong with Chick Fil A as you were stuffing your face with those nuggets did you ever think to yourself "I wish these ketchup packets weren't so goddamn small?" I mean I guess it's sort of a loaded question because who in their right mind goes to Chick Fil A and uses KETCHUP with the advent of Honey Mustard and goddamn Ranch? Their buffalo sauce is almost too pungent for me. I feel like I'm talking to myself now, but that's ok because no one reads these anyway.

Well maybe you'd be inclined to use more ketchup if they didn't have those single bite ketchup packets that you have to go through the trouble to squeeze out onto your food in concentration camp sized portions. You know the ones I mean...just about every greedy corporate fast food joint uses them.

Feast your eyes, assholes.


You dip it! You squeeze it! Go all out! Go apeshit! Throw a party! Huff some glue!

Words can't even describe this kind of thing at first. "Galactic" is one of the first adjectives called to mind. Celestial perhaps. Cosmic Annihilation. Tiny reservoirs of Catsup that open on two ends. You live in America. You have choices. Important choices. You can't open it two ways McGruber, which way is it going to be?

In the interest of...science, I opened one packet of each. Normally I wouldn't even be using Ketchup...shits for peasants but it needed to be explored. There's a lot more here in fluid ounces than there is in the tiny ass single squeeze packets. I'm not sure since I didn't actually do the math but there must be at least three times the quantity.


I'm thinking that I actually prefer them as dipping sauce rather than squeezing sauce. I mean, you're used to squeezing the ketchup. In fact I feel like the squeezing end was only included for the purists. If you're not stuck in a rut with an old world mindset, you might as well dunk the every living shit out of those nuggets in the ketchup vat. Baptisms await your chicken strip combo meals...

It's really a shame that Chick Fil A makes you politely request their sauce packets instead of just letting you take as many as you want, but I guess that makes sense since people like me would abuse the system and take enough honey mustard and ranch (and now ketchup) packets to fortify a fallout shelter. I guess it's smart marketing. Leaves you coming back for more. Isn't it funny how much better everything tastes that you could buy in a store when it is physically served to you by a submissive human being?

Still building up to Thor Slurpees. More to come.