Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Batman XXX: a first time porn review...so be gentle

I've been admittedly putting this one off. I'd spent hours fretting over whether or not a review of the Batman themed porno would compromise the integrity and lack of readership of my blog. But I'm open to trying new things and maybe I could even attract some kind of niche audience. Maybe I'd become a verbal fluffer of sorts for my heroic endeavors on 90s rocks and actually get some kind of column in playboy going and get invited to parties at the mansion. One can only hope. If my careers ends here I'll know why, because I trifled with reviewing this piece of shit, but I'm sure it will go just as ignored as most posts on this scholarly web page.

Slowly but steadily, the nerd culture has been evolving into an acceptable and often "cute" trend. In the past ten years or so we've seen the rise and fall of hentai and school girl outfits and Slave Leia became the number one most whored out costume at comic conventions, the likes of which don't attract "normal" people. It's an accepted stereotype that nerdy guys like girls dressed in outfits of their favorite pop culture characters, be it Laura Croft or Princess Peach. I guess in some psychological rooting, there's an attraction to the familiar, so when I heard about a Batman themed porno coming out, I knew I simply had to watch it. As someone whose not a regular porn enthusiast, it was possible this could jump start me into the depths of depravity. But I figured I owed it to the franchise to "CHECK IT OUT". The first thing you'll notice from this awful poster alone is this isn't any sort of Dark Knight related endeavor. This is the 1960's Adam West Batman. At first, it seemed a perfect fit. The corny dialogue. The bad acting. It was almost like a porno to begin with lacking the sex. I figured we'd see an interpretation closer to a parody with brief sex scenes and some kind of wacky plot. Shark repellent also seemed imminent. I could not have been more wrong about the actual contents of this film, which thankfully I didn't pay for.
As soon as I got through the plucky and fairly cheerful animated title sequence (with great name dropping to boot) I started to realize something was wrong here. There was nothing intentionally humorous about it. The acting was deadpan, exactly on the mark with the 60's show. It wasn't trying to mimic it, it was out to fulfill some kind of dastardly ill-conceived fetishist whim to see the actual characters from the 60's show fuck each other. I thought at first that maybe it would just be a dry and boring re enactment with a few sex scenes but within five seconds of a screeching riddler gyrating his spandex covered member for the camera I got a sense of what I was in for.
See this girl? She's Bruce Wayne's wife or something. She's put in Riddler jail and in an attempt to bribe the king of conundrums to let her out she starts to interrogate his lower regions through the bars of the cage. This was all wrong. There was nothing clever or plot derrived here. It was just a sloppy excuse for wanton sex, typical of HBO, but with more hardcore disgusting parts. After fast forwarding a bit and hoping to see more developing with the kidnapping plot, I was surprised to see Riddler's "persuasian session" was still going 20 minutes later. Sighs.Look at how accurate those props are. Right down to Shakespeare's head or whatever that thing is. Pretty soon Batman is out to find the reason for this plot to kidnap his wife or something. They go to a bar and he starts to dance the "Bat Tusi" (even thoug it's never referred to as such). Fans would recognize this as the classic Batman dance from Adam West full length movie but before you get time to really digest Batman's preferances for non alcoholic drinks and doing the twist, he's kidnapped and raped by an ugly blonde girl. Some other stuff happens and they cut to the Joker getting blown by 2 other girls. Yeah the Joker.

This is the moment where I was sure that I had made a mistake watching this. The pink suit. The Caeser Romero imitation. There was something creepy and "Eyes Wide Shut" about this whole thing and I'm not sure I ever wanted to see my childhood heroes put in this kind of position. But wait...there's more. Batgirl and Robin get turned on watching the Joker and his girls. Then they proceed to exchange numbers, go out on a nice date, call each other back and text a few times and finally wait until marriage in the end of the film to deflower eachother. Not really.
So they're captured cause they're dumbasses and Batman's captured too from the bar. Apparently capturing Wayne's wife was all some master joker plan to lure in batman who doesn't know he's Bruce Wayne anyways so I'm not sure how this worked out so perfectly for the Joker. Anyways, he pulls out a Star Trek Phaser and tells the Riddler to kill Robin cause "he's always hated the little fucker". I'll admit that got a "lol" out of me. Catwoman appears and Batgirl takes the bad guys away. Batman and Robin owe catwoman some kind of debt. They repay it in the "climax" of the film by running train on her. Again, I skipped through most of this shit but the film ends with the dynamic duo trapped under a net by a water-logged catwoman.

So when it was all said and swallowed, I really only lost about half an hour of my life buying into the hype and skipping through over half the movie. I'm positive I didn't miss anything important or plot related unless this is all some kind of brilliant avant-garde social commentary that completely flew over my head. Like everything else, I read too much into it and expected greatness because the "B" word was tagged onto it but really there's nothing here but a fetish flick with good costumes that don't stay on too long. Oh yeah, and Ron Jeremy makes a cameo. I guess we can file this one in the unecessary Batman media category with the animated "Batman vs Dracula".

Since this is a PORN review (or more a stream of consciousness after being shell shocked) this is the first blog post I'm tagging with the word Sex. Hopefully this draws in newcomers who will promptly leave disappointed.