Monday, September 27, 2010

What is this, I don't even...LIME CRUSH?

It's been a long time since I blogged. Most of you probably thought I was dead, or simply just didn't notice my absence and continued with your daily obligations. So what happened? Was I abducted by rapists or aliens or alien rapists? Did I travel the world only to get lost in the Bermuda Triangle (because Christopher Lloyd says NO ONE returns from the Bermuda Triangle) or did I simply lack the motivation to write this blog while I was maintaining regular hours at one of the largest department store chains in the country? Probably the latter. Being back in school and being bored again, the call to write has hit me once more. We're reaching the most exciting season/month out of them all and with costumes and pumpkins comes promotional food product. Anyone who knows me knows that I live for promo food, loaded with preservatives and chock full of food coloring. The more stomach turning it looks and sounds, the more compelled I feel to consume it and write you an essay on why it's great. God has given me a duty to tell you this.

But I'm not ready to get to the Halloween entries yet. Never fear though...because I was walking into the C Store at Emerson today when I saw this wretched concoction:Your eyes don't deceive you, and no Ecto Cooler hasn't been re-bottled. Enter 2010. This is the wave of the future. That repugnant splash of bile in the background is heralding the fresh arrival of lime-ass Crush. I was a bit uncertain at first, but my hand shot towards the bottle with the intensity of Luke trying to grab his lightsaber from the wampa cave. Even the lady working at the C-Store asked me if I'd tried this shit before. I could tell that I was in for some serious shit if even she was wary of it. But there was no backing down now. I don't take heed or recommendations from C Store attendees. I make my own rules. I'm my own man. I drink Lime Crush.

So for the uneducated (or people who drink classiers beverages like wine or something), Crush is that crappy second tier orange pop that is stocked at most 7-11s and fine carbonated beverage retailers. My roommate drinks a shit load of it. I've found that Crush is a pretty good substitute for those purple pills you chew that the dentist gives you to show you when you missed a spot brushing your teeth. Trust ain't going out in public after drinking some Crush. It's lowbrow shit...which is part of the reason I was unwilling to accept it in any flavor besides its designated orange. But then along came lime.

My first inclination was that this would be just like Sprite or 7-Up or some other generic "lemonish" soda. How dead wrong I was. Spirte has a very familiar taste of concentrated Grenadine. This has a distinct taste of LIME juice. Yes, for the first time, a company has made a passing attempt at actually trying to emulate the flavor of one of the most inedible fruits. Imagine melting a bank lolly pop and then adding carbonation and this is what you'd get.

I think the biggest plus for this drink is the coloring. Sprite, Sierra Mist and the other "lemon lime" (this one is just lime) drinks are just clear colored every-man's sodas. This one is a murky ecto-plasmic color of know...the kind that would stain your teeth and make you feel like a lesser individual for drinking it. When I first picked up the bottle I thought it was just tinted green like some Dew..but no...the stuff is actually Frog Piss colored. This adds a major appeal, as you know that I love some green food. (Have I written about shamrock shakes yet?)

So all in all, my verdict is that on occasion I think I'll be able to endure a Lime Crush and prentend it's alot classier than it actually is. I didn't enjoy it though and it sure felt sticky. I think on the regular basis I'll stick to the old stand bys. Promotional cereal works. Promotional candy works. I'm not sure about promotional sodas...the scary thing is that Lime Crush is here to stay. I'm ok with that as long as they phase out the orange shit and leave it to Fanta to market it to us with hotter versions of Chiquita Banana. I feel like Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger force can be the spokesmen for Lime Crush.

I'm including "America" among the tags for this entry.

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