My very own OFFICIAL HOLIDAY LIST!!! (I'm such a nerd)

I'll admit I've been saving up things to say for this one. It seems like I'm just brimming with my own unique facets of craziness which must be expressed in the form of holiday blogs.


LOOKIT ALL DIS CHRISTMAS SHIT! First it was white out MTN Dew…and now I’ve taken a trip to Dunkin Donuts yielding RED ASS donuts. I don’t know what it is that’s so good about red icing, but it has a certain chalky, tangible consistency that’s rarely found in icing of other colors. I appreciate it. I also appreciate how long and widespread this promotion has been. I’ve found these at MULTIPLE Dunkin locations now, being flanked by the gingerbread donut. The gingerbread flavoring in this one is convincing, though I think the caked on frosting helps. A note about frosting: The more dry and plastic in consistency it is, the better it is. I can’t stand it when shit gets on my hands and when it gets greasy. Even if I do hold my donuts with napkins, It’s just an unpleasant experience smattering your face in donut…grease. Makes you feel hot and sweaty and disgusting. I can’t even talk about this anymore. Let’s talk about something else disgusting…(as I’m coming down from a nauseating “Bolocoma”….
Mcrib is back. El Sabor or something the sign says en espanol. For only 4.50 (Tax included) you can now get the porklet sandwhich, fries, a drank and a FREE apple pie. I imagine, due to the hand printed out signs, that this is not a nation-wide promotion. Either way, I was feeling the Christmas cheer. It’s the season of getting. I don’t know when the Mcrib will actually be gone for good, but I shall not mourn it given the enormously long span of time in which it’s been available to us now. I think I’ve had about 4 of them in this time period though, and they’ve been getting increasingly less impressive.

We actually have a lot to be thankful for this holiday season…and a lot to look forward to. I’m going to now rattle off my official CHRISTMAS LIST! A top ten things I want or ten things I’m looking forward to that are pretty cool stories…bro. I guess this is really a nerdy/trendy Christmas list more than anything, but it’s basically the driving reasons to be alive during the winter months.

1. TRON! Coming out this week is the new super sleek astroglide movie TRON with Jeff Bridges. Hopefully it has nothing to do with the original TRON, which sucks a fat one. It looks like nonsensical fun with visual wonder.

2. THE TOWN on Blu Ray. So apparently, Ben Affleck’s new movie THE TOWN comes out this week on blu ray (to relatively little hype) with an EXTENDED cut that makes the movie half an hour longer. I don’t know about you but I can’t wait to see some of that. This was easily one of my favorite movies this year so I’m eager of course, to see more of it.

3. The Tron Soundtrack…by DAFT PUNK. While I already mentioned the hype for TRON itself, I don’t think I mentioned how damn cool the soundtrack is, which was made by the electronica band, DAFT PUNK. One of the tracks (Track 2, the grid) features Jeff Bridges talking over images of lightcycles and crazy shit flying through the computer screens.
4. BATMAN RETURNS-THE EXTENDED SOUNDTRACK. This is something that’s REALLY important to me, possibly more so than most of the things on this list purely because I’ve been waiting so long for it. The simple fact that I have it though, makes it a little harder to be excited for, like the TRON soundtrack. I’ve always believed this to be Danny Elfman’s best score so this is really a treat getting to hear alternate cues and extended tracks from the score that I’ve been familiarizing myself with since the mid 90’s on cassette tape.
5. The Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job Chrimbus Special. Oh I love Tim and Eric. Their sense of ironically lame humor is highly relevant to my interests. Needless to say, the Chrimbus special now on itunes) improves just about every time I watch the damn thing. It’s been a long, difficult summer and fall without Tim and Eric since the final season of the show ended. Hopefully the Chrimbus special will be a yearly thing and is a sign of more lolz to come.

6. Rocky Horror Picture Show Anniversary Blu Ray. Rocky Horror has been a struggle to get on DVD or blu ray of any kind, but now that it’s finally been transferred, and the transsexual movie is finally on shelves at Walmart and Target, it’s much more attainable. I haven’t broke down and bought this one yet, but hopefully someone gets the hint and picks it up for me…EITHER THAT OR I WASTE MY OWN MONEY ON IT.

7. Admiral Ackbar…the action figure. IT’S A TRAP! No…no it’s not. Instead it’s the best toy version of Admiral Ackbar yet. Highly worthy of purchase, especially at the relatively low exchange rate of currency for fishman of $7 at your local retailer. He comes in the traditional 1980’s style packaging as well to boot. But it’d be a crime to leave Admiral Ackbar in the box when there’s so many lolz to be made. I already have mine. WHERES YOURS?
8. Machete on Blu Ray. While this one is more of a New Years present, Machete complete with cooking lessons from Robert Rodriguez, behind the scenes, and all the extras you can shake a blade at, will be out January 3rd. You can bet your ass I’m excited for this release and I’ll be picking it up regardless of circumstance the day it comes out. Hopefully I’m not too broke from dumping money into all the rest of this stuff by the time it comes out.

9. TRUE GRIT. Coen Brothers. Bridges. Johnny Cash. Epic Little girl. Brolin. Damon. Amazing. That’s about all I have to say. We’re less than a week from GODDAMN TRUE GRIT, which is my most anticipated film of the entire year, and it comes out just a couple days before the year ends. What could possibly outrank this in terms of importance you ask?

10. GOOD WILL TOWARDS MEN. And a merry christmahanukwanzika to everyone. Are you JUDGING me for not being able to think of ten reasons to be alive? A joyous holiday season to you all. Eat shit and die.

OH DAMN THATS SOME GOOD SHIT OH DAMN: WINTER MOUNTAIN DEW

Holy shitfuck a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE! The first of the season. It’s funny how fate vomits things in your lap at your lowest and most desperate moments of despair. I was literally just in class writing a meaningful blog post about BATMAN: The Animated Series, a subject which I care about in a non-ironic sense. I started to half-heartedly begin my blog by complaining that there’s a lack of topical subjects to write about. I mean after all, it’s the season of CVS raids and good tidings, and I don’t have any sort of holiday themed bullshit to rant about how great it is. Maybe I’m just not feeling it this year. Anyways, there I was taking a trip to the C store to find some kind of drink to placate me in my daily lack of nutrition. I still had some residual Reeses pieces in my backpack (you’re reading first hand an admission of my hedonistic existence) to tied me over from a physical comestible perspective. I found some Lime Crush, which you probably don’t remember me reviewing a couple months back when I was enjoying life. I got to the counter and presented it to the overlord of the C Store when I saw it. It was a white liquid. Blue label. Winter themed. Dues Ex Machina Mtn. Dew. Mountain Dew White Out.

I’m not a fan of the Dew. It’s too caffeinated and it looks like green piss to me. It took some cajones forcing myself to buy some new flavor of mountain dew just because the bottle stated it was indoctrinated as permanent product due to a “Dewmacratic process”. It promised me that sometime last year or so, thousands of people actually bothered to go online and cast a vote for this flavor of Mountain Dew because they believed it was that good of shit. Seriously…how fucking awesome can a food or beverage be that you have to bother to go online and document your experiences with eating it? Oh wait. I guess I’m kind of an exception. But I do it from an ironic perspective. Half of this blog is hyperbole. This my friends, is the first food product written up here that I can officially endorse. As soon as I had my first sip I had formed my decision.

Oh damn. That’s some good shit. Oh damn. I haven’t used this loving phrase in a long time for ANYTHING. Keep in mind this ain’t no colloquialism of mine and I don’t toss it around lightly. Oh Damn That’s some Good Shit (ODTSGS) means that the product I’m referring to is life-changing and mind numbingly fucking awesome. Not only did slurping down this white stuff ramp me up with energy but it also tasted great. Read that sentence back to yourself and see if it makes you giggle.

I like the artic. I like glacial properties. Blue, idealized, fictional summits of ice, where penguins from Mario slide down the tops of cheerful moonlit slopes and party in fountains of youth to Lil Jon and the Eastside Boyz all night. Polar Bears are drowning themselves in Coca Cola like Bacchus. The maritime varmit I presently spoke of in my review of the KFC Double Down are emerging from waters gargling with purple frigorific Gatorade flavors. Remember, how people were wary of the turquoise Gatorade before it became racially accepted as part of the mainstream line of Gatorades? It was previously part of Gatorade FROST. I was on cloud 9, huffing Vicks vapo-rub in my bedroom with the air conditioner blasting dust mites into my face against my mom and the surgeon-general’s warnings slurping down some fuckin GATORADE FROST. Now I’m a man. And man has needs. And I need my ferocious thirst quenched in a manly manner with Artic themed shit whored out all over the bottle. Mountain Dew White Out. I shall buy it again and again. Starting tomorrow.
And if you still remain unconvinced, that is a picture of me unable to pull the bottle off my fucking mouth IN journalism class where we are NOT allowed to have food, as so decreed by a sign on the door in fear of spillage on precious equipment that never works up to modern technological standards.

HALLOWEEN POPTARTS EXPLORED

Despite my not-so-excited feelings towards the product, I had to stop myself from consuming the last pop tart in 30 seconds to hurriedly take this picture somewhere in the vicinity of my stove.

The hype machine is screeching to halt. Halloween is inevitable. It’s going to happen. For better or for worse, we will endure it. We will pull through. The loose threads on our costumes will just have to make do or be taped for now. It’s time to go. Halloween is now six days away, and I’ve been waiting only 359 days for this moment…the moment when I’ll bit into a Halloween pop tart and truly uncork the life of the season. Sure there’s FrankenBerry and BooBerry and Count Chocula and those containers at Mcdonalds that I’d feel foolish asking for in the happy meals along with a myriad of other products that are promoting the season, but it’s crunch time, and I must get out the laundry list of Halloween themed blogs I’ve been planning this week. I actually bought the damn pop tarts in September.
My quest for these repulsive things actually began at CVS and Walgreens and the other usual haunts for me at 2 in the morning when I have nothing better to do than shove food in my face. Then a friend of mine in Florida tipped me off to Target getting in shipments of HALLOWEEN poptarts. The location and stage was set. It’s a funny feeling taking the T around 4 minutes and walking nearly a mile through horse manure attempting to buy seasonal poptarts. A friend of mine actually was curious that that sale of such items wasn’t restricted to someone my age. I imagine they’d start carding for poptarts. If you’re old enough to have a license, Halloween pumpkin-flavored, sprinkle-blasted freeze-dried pastry is not for you. Not really for anyone, but much like the Halloween Oreos, it’s orange and therefore better due to Red Dye 40.
So I made it through the entire box of Halloween flavored poptarts in a couple weeks. It wasn’t easy. I usually just grabbed them on the way out in the morning when there was nothing else to eat. They come two per package and the way I butcher packages combined with my inability to touch my food that I eat (due to like OCD or something) there’s no real way to save em. So you HAVE to have two per sitting. At least I have to. By the time I get half way through the second one my mouth is more dry than a whore house in…eh nevermind. Unlike the Cinnamon poptarts, which you have to eat like a thousand of to get sick of, you’re kind of only in this one for the sprinkles and for the hype. Skip it.
In my next Halloween review I’ll be checking out some great products like donuts or something. Either that or I’ll do a recap of my Halloween weekend, though I’m pretty sure it will progress into absolutely disgusting filth and mayhem that I’ll be too embarrassed to recall.

I put balls in my mouth. greenlaterngloballs

Look at this dangerous acumen.

True...if you google these things, this might be among the first images that come up because that's exactly what I did. When I first planned this blog entry (from the moment I was texted a picture of these things because it was relevant to my interests) I had planned on taking a picture of my haul and smashing these things apart and getting frosting all over myself, but I tend to blog while I'm in class and I simply don't have the means to get home right now and get hot and heavy with the glo balls photoshoot. But I do have the gusto to write about them...and I probably have the recipt somewhere to prove I bought them if you feel like tracking me down and forcing me at gunpoint to tell you how much they cost.

Anyways, onto the obvious. Coconut. Green. Chocolate. Marshmallow. Superhero...food item. I'm sold. "I don't know if it's art but I like it" says Jack Nicholson as the Joker and in a similar mindset "I don't know if it's edible but I like it" In fact I've liked it enough, er...tolerated it, enough to fufill my obligation to the point of eating 5 out of 6 glo balls so far since I purchased this green Pandora's Box. Does it matter that it's Green Lantern? Kind of soon to be promoting that movie a good like...9 months or so in advance isn't it? I think the character is irrelevant. They could have tried to sell this shit with the visage of The Toxic Avenger (Troma films anyone?) and I would have been salivating with the urge to tell the world of this filth's existence.

It's not good, really it's not...but it's green, so that's good. I guess that's my justification and the real main selling point of this item is the noxious green coloring. This is my favorite color in general, so anytime it's applied to food (unless it's organic or not created in a factory) I have an obligation to eat it. There's something different about an artificial green coloring added to food, especially chocolate or coconut. With orange you think halloween, or red or blue means 4th of July. What the fuck does green stand for? Revolution? Arbor Day? All Saints Day?

You can eat them really quickly too, I could probably go two in one sitting but they leave me with a bit of acid in my throat after eating them (usually cause I use them as chasers for frozen pizza and beer so far). But you'll never be like "THIS IS GREAT" and in a state of pure sexual satisfcation and jubilation as you're shoving them in your fucking face. You'll just feel "meh". You'll feel like you're serving time. Doing your duty to the box of green latern's balls to finish them all. There's much better Halloween/hero food out there though...and it will be tackled in later blogs.

Maybe I should change the name of this blog to "Shit I eat that will eventually kill me" or something. I've really gone down the tubes of pure cholesterol in the past few months with reviews of offensive foods. It's a dirty job, but someones got to do it. My facebook wall feed has a serious lack of green food reviews.

I'm seriously getting down to the Halloween shit. Next blog will be on Halloween food. I promise. Oreos or razor bladed candy or something.

The Double Down.

This is the most important blog I've ever written. Ever. I can't even think of a subject that has this caliber of global importance and cultural significance that could possibly arise in the future either. It's sad to think that my blog has peaked less than a year in, but hey you never know what's going to happen.

This year, the cosmos have spread their mammoth cheeks and something fell from the sky that was worthy of sonnets. It was worthy of more than that. "Cellos. Cellos in a dark room" set to a chorus of screeching angels. Imagine if you will, previously undiscovered forms of maritime quadruped; archaic varmint, hoisting themselves from the cavities of the earth. They are blinded for the first time by their alluvial surroundings as opposed to the dank sepulchers they've had no choice but to call home for centuries past. Scientists have only so much as fantasized about these sequestered beings who now cluster at the shore lines, their branlike grey skin festering in the sunlight. Finally, a crowd of walking innocuous comestible humanity has gathered before the lusus naturae and awaits their next move. What this?! Suddenly, the superannuated mandibles of the aquatic beasts begin to open. When the dust and brine settles around their feet, the most beautiful sound to ever be emitted from an orifice emerges. It is a song so exquisite and stupefying that heads of the nearby onlookers explode like mortar shells blasting provenances of human hemoglobin across the sands. A jaunty cheer erupts from the entire force of nature on planet earth. The world will never be the same. The song of the oceanic creatures was so sweet, so convincing so succinct, that it was beyond definition. This song is how I'm attempting to explain the miraculous acumen known only as the KFC DOUBLE DOWN.

A while back, more time actually than I care to research, KFC (which doesn't stand for anything anymore as I've learned from watching Between Two Ferns on Funny or die) announced a new menu item only known suspiciously as THE DOUBLE DOWN. Now, when we explore the latin root of the words "double down" we get the phrase geminus demitto meaning "twin payments to the church". In modern times, this pious sacrifice has become the action of a player of blackjack doubling his bet with his original hand from the dealer, including an additional card. It also is the name of a Saloon in Vegas which is famous for "ass juice".

But despite the acronym going the way of the homo erectus (a species of African hominids from 1.3 million years ago), I think KFC does stand for something. It stands for freedom and mirth and the true needs and whims of the human race. Thus the double down was created. Beautiful in its alarming simplicity and frightening to the old world pagan naysayers; no great landmark was ever created without being met by scrutiny and disbelievers. I still think the Double Down has done more in its brief period of circulation since its inception for American culture than Mount Rushmore ever did. Keep in mind, I'm the same guy whose reaction to Taco Bell's motion to buy the Liberty Bell turning out to be a farce could best be described as "blue balls".

And I'd be lying if I said there wasn't something inherently generative and wanton about the Double Down. Without further digression of discussing what it actually is consists of, the Double Down is two husky pieces of chicken with an oppressed smattering of bacon at the heart and some American cheese as well as an avaricious quantity of some kind of honey mustard ish sauce. A quick trip to KFC's website tells what it REALLY is:

"The one-of-a-kind sandwich features two thick and juicy boneless white meat chicken filets (Original Recipe® or Grilled), two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese and Colonel's Sauce. This product is so meaty, there's no room for a bun!"

I was really counting on that cheese to be American. The fact that I wasn't able to figure that out on my own shows what kind of amateur cheese savant I really am. Or perhaps I was just distracted. I'd also like to point out their description is not quite accurate. It's not that there's no room for a bun, it's that it's unnecessary because this is how we should have figured out how to make our sandwiches about 20 years ago. This shows a drastic progression of intelligence for sentient humanity and I can safely say I'm pretty proud it's finally happened. At any rate, as soon as I heard about this culinary novelty I also read tons of articles slamming it for the usual lack of nutritional value. I wonder if they'd heard of KFC before? Clearly they fail to understand the point of eating at such an establishment. I think Fast Food is more about the celebration of the food and togetherness of it than it is about getting daily nutritional benefit. Where else will you see homelessmen mingling with misanthropes such as myself and both singing the praises of fried chicken layered with bacon simultaneously? Should I even be singing the praises before consuming it? Well I knew I had to try it...but I was gearing up to it.

I fantasized for a bit over a month until today about my personal encounter with the Double Down. What kind of KFC would I go to where it would finally enter into my stomach? Would it be an urban chain location? What would the double down be packaged in? How much would it cost? As fate would have it, when deciding what to have for lunch today something suddenly clicked and I knew the time was right and there was no sense in putting it off further. I ended up at one of those KFC/Taco Bell hybrids. Not the choicest of locations, but it was appropriately underwhelming for the heroic feats I was about to execute in the ingestion of their featured menu item. For a second I feared that the senior citizens of the city still clinging to delusions of societal importance had deemed the double down inappropriate and had banned it; but sure enough as soon as I walked in a giant glorious poster greeted me like it seemed to understand my doubts and reassured me I was in the right place.

To the tune of 6.99, I ended up getting the Double Down Value meal which also included DP and some of their disgusting over-spiced mutant home fries or whatever they're called. Tater-wedges. Seasoned batter. Something like that. After what seemed like an eternity waiting for my order to be processed, IT was finally in my possession.It's hard to impart with this picture I took quite how small it was in person. I must say I was mildly disappointed upon first coming eyeballs to fried chicken with it. First of all, this tin foil wrapping did not explicitly state "double down"...and where was that french fry sleeve I'd been expected to hold it in that was on the posters? I was reserving my judgment until I'd eaten it in its entirety though.
So here's my own double down unwrapped. You'll notice the batter on the top layer is a bit sparse, which also disappointed me at first, but the promise of that bacon teaser attempting to escape was drawing my face to the beast. Upon first seeing this, I thought I might have to buy a second one in one sitting, due to the small size of it. But as soon as it reached my eager maw, I realized I had greatly underestimated the double down.

It was a lot to bite off at first, and contrary to my fears, the bacon was actually fairly greasy and substantial. Last week I had some dreadful preservative bacon upon an airplane on the in flight meal that I didn't want to eat again. The sauce is almost non existent, which is fine at first because the chicken is so dry and succulent. You'll notice from the pictures, I was tempted to use ketchup to assist the chicken on its journey down my throat, but I wanted as pure and natural an experience with this product as humanely possible. I'm not sure mortals can get eat it to the full potential of the sandwich but I really put forth my game face.

I gotta be honest with you. I was getting a bit tired about two thirds of the way in. It was pretty dry and I could have used a refresher like a smidgen of bread or more sauce. At this point I'd already demolished the bacon and I was just powering through one chicken filled bite after the next. The cheese kept me motivated. It was hanging off the sides of the chicken sweating grease and singing sweet songs of southern redemption. For a second I was transported to a twilight period of that was some kind of cross between the civil war and Bladerunner as I was shoving the double down into my face when the realization that I was actually finally consuming it finally hit me. By the time I'd become cognitive of this fact, it was gone.
This is what a defeated double down looks like after being laid waste to by my vicious mandibles. I promise I didn't use the ketchup on the sandwich. I actually attempted to eat the fritter-fries after the filling sandwich, with turned out to be a pretty poor decision and left me with a case of the itis. They can't be stomached without some kind of sauce though, and as you can see, I didn't have time to trifle with copious amounts of ketchup being siphoned from individual meager packets.

Wanna know how I felt leaving the restaurant? It's better just to show you...

Well maybe not that last one so much. But you get the idea. I felt like I'd just achieved something monumental. I felt like I'd just overcome some kind of great oppression. I'd dethroned a dictator. It's been a few hours since my initial consumption and so far the Double Down hasn't had any shocking digestive repercussions or caused my body to create audible panic. While it's not perfect, we don't live in a perfect world, but it does give me hope at at least we're working towards one. I see more potential here than I do presently with health care reform so stick that in your light bulb or your 2 liter bottle and smoke it.

Do I recommend the double down? Yes. Yes I do very much so. If not so much for the fairly average chicken taste as for the combination with cheese and bacon and cultural impact. Next time I have it (and oh there will be a next time) I'm going to bath it in mayonnaise after having tried it in its most virginal form upon initial consumption. 4 out of 4 stars for fast food. Up next on my hit list is some shrek mcflurry I've heard about. Not too jazzed about that one, but it might be good. Mcdonalds has a good track record with green ice cream related products. I can't think of much else that could cause a stir like the double down short of the random re-emergence of the Mcrib, but even that feels bland in comparison.

Now go forth tender cutlets, and make sure you eat all the crumbs and the bacon.

Nothing could inspire me to write like the Whiplash Whopper

I got to admit, bloggings been slow lately. If I had..*coughs coughs*...more of an avid readership, it might inspire me to get my ass in gear a little bit and crank out more beautiful pieces of prose worthy of being stored in the white house library. Finding a subject is often hard. Actually it's not hard at all, because I could just as easily write about Batman every single entry, which would double as a case study on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and later submit my work to various psychiatric journals. In turn I'm sure I would receive slight monetary compensation, which would only be fair once the number of applied jobs that rejected me were factored in. You might be wondering why I'm sitting here writing a blog instead of working right now...it is the summer after all. Well I'm glad you asked. Let me tell you a bit about my summer plans.

1. Get Job
2. Eat as much decadent unhealthy food as possible for the sheer purpose of cultural analysis (that's my excuse de jour) and hopefully crank out some kind of magnum opus that leads to a job.
3. Edit a film...or something. Some kind of leisurely arts and crafts project that would in no way further my career.
4. Never be sarcastic.

So in the process of hunting jobs, I couldn't help but press my face up against the glass at burger kind when I spotted this challenging advertisement.
In a similar fashion to how CiCi's pizza or a buffet can be considered a "challenge" a seasonal gigantic menu item at burger king can also fall under that category. If you read my last entry, you'll know that Iron Man 2 is all the rage right now and whether it was the best movie or not, if there's one thing I love more than life itself it's goddamn hype. Whiplash, Ivan Vanko, is the villain (or one of them) in Iron Man. He's a big leathery, grotesque tatooed ruskie with an S&M harness on his chest and two electric whips. He mildly makes shit difficult for Iron Man but eventually of course he gets killed pretty easily.

The important thing to consider here is, THIS IS MICKEY ROURKE. Mickey Rourke is a hardass worn out piece of shit. I've often been awake at night wondering what kind of burger a guy like that eats. What kind of food, could you possibly mash together and put on a bun under the bracket of "hamburger" that would satisfy a destructive looking man like that? Bacon seems to be the obvious choice, but bacon's the obvious answer in ANY situation. I'd searched for countless hours, pouring over recipe books at 4 in the morning for the answer. Burger King seems to have beat me to the punch and found the answer in the shredded/fried onion things on the whiplash whopper.

I'm not entirely sure they were onions actually. They're more like the little bits of crunchy shit that I pour down my throat after finished a box of popcorn chicken. Nothing distinctly onionish about them. They just add that required surliness to call this thing a WHIPLASH whopper. There's also a smattering of lettuce and tomatoes and shit. Don't believe me? I don't care if you do. Here's a pic I took half way through eating this monstrosity:Looks like too much tomato and not enough bacon to me. Note the small pieces of onion shit chunk smattered about the greasy wrapper sitting on my lap. You might also notice I'm holding it with a napkin. While I normally do this, because I'm not a fan of horse grease, this particular whopper gave me an everyman's excuse to do so. Thing was DRIPPING in what appeared to be cheese whiz. The official website calls it like a special mayonaise sauce or something but I call bullshit. I know melted cheese whiz when I see it. Too many experiments in my youth with microwavable hot dogs in the oven has taught me better. The cheese is pepperjack cheese, so at the end of the day, this is a spicy one.

The feeling of queasiness after eating this one passed in about 4 hours and I was able to reflect on my life a little bit in that time. Will movie hype always be exciting? Why were there no happy meal toys for the Dark Knight? Would I have been man enough to stand at the counter and ask for them if there had been? Would I EVER get around to writing that hyperbole-filled blog entry on the burger I'd consumed? It was all leading somewhere.

It IS leading somewhere.

I'm not going to condone the Whiplash Whopper. Nor am I going to condemn it as a bad product. If it sounds enticing to you and you want to feel like Mickey Rourke and slop over a meatwhich covered in cheese whiz for five minute muttering shit in a russian accent, than be my guest. This review ended up being my pure stream of consciousness about something that's probably undeserving of so many paragraphs. It's actually just a warm up my friends. The worst motherfucker in the food industry will be blogged about later this week. I've been gearing up to it. Training my stomach. Pouring over the articles of terrified health nuts...yes. I am going to consume the KFC DOUBLE DOWN.

and you all are going to read about it. If you're reading this far then I know you are.

love,
matt (part time whiplash)

The world is improving and the herald of the new decade's apparent quality is the ANGUS BURGER

This entry is not true to form, and it has nothing to do with nostalgia. Rather here, I'm talking about something new and exciting. However, we could spin it towards nostalgia in that it's significantly better than what I remember. Sometimes the latest thing is actually pretty cool, and that's why America tends to gravitate towards it.

Behold the greatness of the McDonalds Angus Burger:

And like most things from Hot Toys and other manufacturers of fine product, "pics don't do it justice". I never thought I'd used the words "Mcdonalds" and "Greatness" in the same sentence except for in whatever month St. Patrick's day is in (believe me there will be blog about it). Going back to the pic, look at how dried out those tomatoes look...and is that an aramark chicken patty under that slice a' cheese or a hunk a' meat? And what's this on the top? I don't want any of that "Ciabatta" shit. Don't be fooled by this less than flattering image I lazily found on google after about 5 seconds of searching and skipping the better picture due to it not loading...as Sam Jackson would say "this IS a tasty burger!"

Upon first opening the burger from its bombshell you'll notice several things eye catching immediatly.

1. Seeds. Not just like the generic seeds you see on top of Wonderbread buns. I mean different varieties of grain grown in chemical labs for the corporate intent of McDonalds. It's serious business. Like seeds you'd find on rye bread. Thankfully none of those sausage seeds. Everything is wrong with those bastards.

2. Multiple slices of cheese. I'm a man who appreciates cheese. I appreciate cheesy jokes. I appreciate cheesy burgers. A true American man likes American cheese, and McDonalds piles it on. I'd like to secretely believe that while McDonalds exists in most countries, they devote the greatest amount of cheese to the customers in states. Just a little thank you to their roots. But cheese doesnt grow in the ground. Cheesy?

3. MAYONAISE! Some people connonate mayo with feeling sick or it's obvious visual association with a certain bodily excrement but I'll be damned if I don't love mayonaise. I pile it on in heaping quantities to every sandwhich I eat except an ice cream sandwhich, and even those sometimes too. Why? It tastes good. How ridiculous are you? The first thing I noticed opening the bun and sifting through the useless and yet extravagant garnish of vegetables was a heaping pile of mayonaise. Savor it.

4. Vegetables. Like I said these are essentially a garnish designed to be removed. Pickles don't belong on a burger. If you're like me you leave one slice of lettuce, a single "tomat" and a pile of onions. If you're even more like me than you think you are, you also have onion breath nearly 6 hours after consuming this burger.

So those are the immediate thoughts. You know what else? It takes more than a second to woof it down. Approximately two seconds. While it still slightly has a manufactured quality the more frequently I order it, upon first glance, the Angus burger feels like REAL burger at a real dining facility with a credible reputation. You feel like an important man when you strut up to the counter at mcdonalds "oh ho ho I'll take the angus burger please". They know you aren't fuckin around then. They nod to the people in the back and tell them to use the vice grips to handle this big meaty sombitch. Don't underestimate me handmaiden of snack wraps and supplier of milkshake...I come demanding one thing...ANGUS!

This is all for now. I'm not sure how this ties into nostalgia other than how I remember McDonalds used to give you paper thin burgers bathed in those weird little onion cubes and ketchup and this is clearly the better menu item. Real men eat angus burgers.

And now I fully expect Mcdonalds ads to appear on my blog. They've earned their spot unlike those "congragulations you won an ipod" assholes.