4:00 in the morning and it's an exciting time for film

Well alot of people said 2010 has sucked. I disagree, because I've really enjoyed a handful of films this year. The thing is though, those 5 films that I enjoyed were the only films I saw that were worth a shit this year. So in a sense I can agree with those who have been knocking this year for cinema. I know it's really early to be doing any sort of Oscar pooling, but I am really excited for a few films at the present point in time...so much so that I can't sleep. What films you might ask? Well how about I count down a list and you pretend like you care and maybe you might learn something? I'm going to count down films coming out either this year or next year until I hit my most anticipated release (2011 is the cutoff cause 2012 is just too far to think ahead without a Batman trailer)...

10. Green HornetI'll be the first to admit this doesn't look that great...but I liked the pacing and flow of the trailer quite a bit and I like Seth Rogan and Waltz so it should be pretty fun. This is just the tip of the ice berg for upcoming movies though so I had to toss in a few bullshit ones.

9. Harry fucking PotterHas anyone else gotten a vibe of legitimacy from the past few potter films? Like they're actually stylish, and not just in the sense of grand stupid adaptations. Like...they actually have given me the chills on occasion, especially when Alan Rickman is doing something awesome. This newest one is being marketed as the most important movie you'll ever see to the point where it will burn your fucking eyeballs out of your skull, but at the same time I half believe it. I grew up with this limey bastard and this is the conclusion of his story. Whose going to die? We already know but watching the epic trainwreck play out and possibly win a cinematography Oscar in the process is going to be quite the sight...

8. Due Date
I love Zach Gally and I love RDJ. Putting them together is almost insulting. Comedic genius at the same time. On that visceral level, I'm pretty pumped for this, but at the same time, I was genuinely disturbed by the trailer because Zach is the entire focus of the situational comedy. No love for RDJ. In fact, he's the butt of the joke in most of the cases. A total straight man. If you've seen Tropic Thunder, you know that RDJ can be pretty damn funny himself and it's sad to see him made a fool of and not get to do anything witty and just get pissed off the entire movie. You could have hired a lesser actor for that kind of gig. At the same time I can't wait to laugh at Zach's antics, even if I'll come out of it feeling slightly guilty.

7. Battle: Los Angeles
So this one is quite a few months off, but it's got a few things I like: post apocalypse. stupid action violence. Aaron Eckhart screaming and most of all...Michelle Rodriguez, whose kicks a ton of ass. I'll be seeing this one on opening day no doubt.

6. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger TidesAlright call me an idiot or whatever, but I really enjoy these films. I liked the first one and I enjoyed the second one despite it being crap. The third one was pretty wretched but I'm confident that without Orlando Bloom on the payroll it has serious potential. This is roll that Johnny Depp is made for and I'm sure alot of people will be happy to see him making a comeback.

5. Paranormal Activity 2 I know my horror movies, and I know that I haven't been scared by one in a few years. Paranormal Activity was as effective as they come though. As soon as it ended I was a bit sad, that this unique and audience captivating experience probably wouldn't come along again for several years...after all, the main characters died...how can there be a sequel? Well, the public demands more, and much like the prequels of star wars, I fully expect the ruination of a good thing. I'd be lying out my ass though if I can't say I was totally giddy seeing a trailer for ANOTHER paranormal activity so soon though. Hopefully it's as gut wrenching as the first one was, but that will be a hard act to follow. If this movie didn't scare you...I'd like to know what did.

4. Green Lantern
This is a really good superhero concept that APPLIES to movies. Like I'm not sure why this is just a movie now. Lantern is deserving as any for a film and Renolds is a great lead role. I think this has serious potential to be a stellar film (unlike Thor, which wont even make this list). This will also prove (if it doesnt suck) that DC knows what they're doing outside of Batman and can make films that compete with Marvel. I'm not too well read on this character, but I know it has a lot of potential.

3. Black Swan
Arronovsky. Padme Amidala. Meg Griffin. What a fucking epic combination. I'm only half kidding too. This movie looks absurdly creepy and well crafted at the same time. Lesbians, ballet, nightmare sequences and people turning into swans. I can't quite explain what it's about (and I dont want to spoil it for myself either) but this movie is getting a lot of hype and I'm getting pretty excited to experience it for myself. Just look at that poster. Aldready winning awards! Before the poster was even designed no less. Not that that says anything except PRETENTIOUS, but I think we need one of these "elite" films shoved into the mix every once in a while to remind us we have individual thinking ability.

2. Captain America

This WOULD be my most anticipated, but I don't trust Marvel. I trust Johnson. He made Rocketeer a pretty entertaining film, and it would fit the mood of a cap movie perfectly. Not sure I like Chris Evans as the lead, especially cause it retcons marvel's already troubled universe of films. But here's the thing. I love Cap. He's my favorite hero outside of Batman. I like the jingoism. I like the old timey symbol of hope in world war 2. I also really like Red Skull (and Hugo Weaving is good casting at that). If only I had more faith they were actually interested in making an original and even poignant film, instead of trying to fit into the stupid avengers project (which WILL suck) and compromising the direction their story could take.

1. True Grit
Coen Brothers. Jeff Bridges. Cowboys. Brolin. Damon. Badass little girl character. Just watch the perfectly paced, and musically cued trailer. This is the masterpiece of the bunch I can already tell. The Coen Brothers are at the top of their game, true masters in the art of directing: perfect and simplistic and chilling all at once. This one looks to have a bit of satisfying action to boot. The trailer manages to give me chills every time. Christmas day hopefully will bring us the Oscar film of the year.


well I'm tired. I'm sure I forgot some upcoming movies to look forward to.

The Double Down.

This is the most important blog I've ever written. Ever. I can't even think of a subject that has this caliber of global importance and cultural significance that could possibly arise in the future either. It's sad to think that my blog has peaked less than a year in, but hey you never know what's going to happen.

This year, the cosmos have spread their mammoth cheeks and something fell from the sky that was worthy of sonnets. It was worthy of more than that. "Cellos. Cellos in a dark room" set to a chorus of screeching angels. Imagine if you will, previously undiscovered forms of maritime quadruped; archaic varmint, hoisting themselves from the cavities of the earth. They are blinded for the first time by their alluvial surroundings as opposed to the dank sepulchers they've had no choice but to call home for centuries past. Scientists have only so much as fantasized about these sequestered beings who now cluster at the shore lines, their branlike grey skin festering in the sunlight. Finally, a crowd of walking innocuous comestible humanity has gathered before the lusus naturae and awaits their next move. What this?! Suddenly, the superannuated mandibles of the aquatic beasts begin to open. When the dust and brine settles around their feet, the most beautiful sound to ever be emitted from an orifice emerges. It is a song so exquisite and stupefying that heads of the nearby onlookers explode like mortar shells blasting provenances of human hemoglobin across the sands. A jaunty cheer erupts from the entire force of nature on planet earth. The world will never be the same. The song of the oceanic creatures was so sweet, so convincing so succinct, that it was beyond definition. This song is how I'm attempting to explain the miraculous acumen known only as the KFC DOUBLE DOWN.

A while back, more time actually than I care to research, KFC (which doesn't stand for anything anymore as I've learned from watching Between Two Ferns on Funny or die) announced a new menu item only known suspiciously as THE DOUBLE DOWN. Now, when we explore the latin root of the words "double down" we get the phrase geminus demitto meaning "twin payments to the church". In modern times, this pious sacrifice has become the action of a player of blackjack doubling his bet with his original hand from the dealer, including an additional card. It also is the name of a Saloon in Vegas which is famous for "ass juice".

But despite the acronym going the way of the homo erectus (a species of African hominids from 1.3 million years ago), I think KFC does stand for something. It stands for freedom and mirth and the true needs and whims of the human race. Thus the double down was created. Beautiful in its alarming simplicity and frightening to the old world pagan naysayers; no great landmark was ever created without being met by scrutiny and disbelievers. I still think the Double Down has done more in its brief period of circulation since its inception for American culture than Mount Rushmore ever did. Keep in mind, I'm the same guy whose reaction to Taco Bell's motion to buy the Liberty Bell turning out to be a farce could best be described as "blue balls".

And I'd be lying if I said there wasn't something inherently generative and wanton about the Double Down. Without further digression of discussing what it actually is consists of, the Double Down is two husky pieces of chicken with an oppressed smattering of bacon at the heart and some American cheese as well as an avaricious quantity of some kind of honey mustard ish sauce. A quick trip to KFC's website tells what it REALLY is:

"The one-of-a-kind sandwich features two thick and juicy boneless white meat chicken filets (Original Recipe® or Grilled), two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese and Colonel's Sauce. This product is so meaty, there's no room for a bun!"

I was really counting on that cheese to be American. The fact that I wasn't able to figure that out on my own shows what kind of amateur cheese savant I really am. Or perhaps I was just distracted. I'd also like to point out their description is not quite accurate. It's not that there's no room for a bun, it's that it's unnecessary because this is how we should have figured out how to make our sandwiches about 20 years ago. This shows a drastic progression of intelligence for sentient humanity and I can safely say I'm pretty proud it's finally happened. At any rate, as soon as I heard about this culinary novelty I also read tons of articles slamming it for the usual lack of nutritional value. I wonder if they'd heard of KFC before? Clearly they fail to understand the point of eating at such an establishment. I think Fast Food is more about the celebration of the food and togetherness of it than it is about getting daily nutritional benefit. Where else will you see homelessmen mingling with misanthropes such as myself and both singing the praises of fried chicken layered with bacon simultaneously? Should I even be singing the praises before consuming it? Well I knew I had to try it...but I was gearing up to it.

I fantasized for a bit over a month until today about my personal encounter with the Double Down. What kind of KFC would I go to where it would finally enter into my stomach? Would it be an urban chain location? What would the double down be packaged in? How much would it cost? As fate would have it, when deciding what to have for lunch today something suddenly clicked and I knew the time was right and there was no sense in putting it off further. I ended up at one of those KFC/Taco Bell hybrids. Not the choicest of locations, but it was appropriately underwhelming for the heroic feats I was about to execute in the ingestion of their featured menu item. For a second I feared that the senior citizens of the city still clinging to delusions of societal importance had deemed the double down inappropriate and had banned it; but sure enough as soon as I walked in a giant glorious poster greeted me like it seemed to understand my doubts and reassured me I was in the right place.

To the tune of 6.99, I ended up getting the Double Down Value meal which also included DP and some of their disgusting over-spiced mutant home fries or whatever they're called. Tater-wedges. Seasoned batter. Something like that. After what seemed like an eternity waiting for my order to be processed, IT was finally in my possession.It's hard to impart with this picture I took quite how small it was in person. I must say I was mildly disappointed upon first coming eyeballs to fried chicken with it. First of all, this tin foil wrapping did not explicitly state "double down"...and where was that french fry sleeve I'd been expected to hold it in that was on the posters? I was reserving my judgment until I'd eaten it in its entirety though.
So here's my own double down unwrapped. You'll notice the batter on the top layer is a bit sparse, which also disappointed me at first, but the promise of that bacon teaser attempting to escape was drawing my face to the beast. Upon first seeing this, I thought I might have to buy a second one in one sitting, due to the small size of it. But as soon as it reached my eager maw, I realized I had greatly underestimated the double down.

It was a lot to bite off at first, and contrary to my fears, the bacon was actually fairly greasy and substantial. Last week I had some dreadful preservative bacon upon an airplane on the in flight meal that I didn't want to eat again. The sauce is almost non existent, which is fine at first because the chicken is so dry and succulent. You'll notice from the pictures, I was tempted to use ketchup to assist the chicken on its journey down my throat, but I wanted as pure and natural an experience with this product as humanely possible. I'm not sure mortals can get eat it to the full potential of the sandwich but I really put forth my game face.

I gotta be honest with you. I was getting a bit tired about two thirds of the way in. It was pretty dry and I could have used a refresher like a smidgen of bread or more sauce. At this point I'd already demolished the bacon and I was just powering through one chicken filled bite after the next. The cheese kept me motivated. It was hanging off the sides of the chicken sweating grease and singing sweet songs of southern redemption. For a second I was transported to a twilight period of that was some kind of cross between the civil war and Bladerunner as I was shoving the double down into my face when the realization that I was actually finally consuming it finally hit me. By the time I'd become cognitive of this fact, it was gone.
This is what a defeated double down looks like after being laid waste to by my vicious mandibles. I promise I didn't use the ketchup on the sandwich. I actually attempted to eat the fritter-fries after the filling sandwich, with turned out to be a pretty poor decision and left me with a case of the itis. They can't be stomached without some kind of sauce though, and as you can see, I didn't have time to trifle with copious amounts of ketchup being siphoned from individual meager packets.

Wanna know how I felt leaving the restaurant? It's better just to show you...

Well maybe not that last one so much. But you get the idea. I felt like I'd just achieved something monumental. I felt like I'd just overcome some kind of great oppression. I'd dethroned a dictator. It's been a few hours since my initial consumption and so far the Double Down hasn't had any shocking digestive repercussions or caused my body to create audible panic. While it's not perfect, we don't live in a perfect world, but it does give me hope at at least we're working towards one. I see more potential here than I do presently with health care reform so stick that in your light bulb or your 2 liter bottle and smoke it.

Do I recommend the double down? Yes. Yes I do very much so. If not so much for the fairly average chicken taste as for the combination with cheese and bacon and cultural impact. Next time I have it (and oh there will be a next time) I'm going to bath it in mayonnaise after having tried it in its most virginal form upon initial consumption. 4 out of 4 stars for fast food. Up next on my hit list is some shrek mcflurry I've heard about. Not too jazzed about that one, but it might be good. Mcdonalds has a good track record with green ice cream related products. I can't think of much else that could cause a stir like the double down short of the random re-emergence of the Mcrib, but even that feels bland in comparison.

Now go forth tender cutlets, and make sure you eat all the crumbs and the bacon.

The world is improving and the herald of the new decade's apparent quality is the ANGUS BURGER

This entry is not true to form, and it has nothing to do with nostalgia. Rather here, I'm talking about something new and exciting. However, we could spin it towards nostalgia in that it's significantly better than what I remember. Sometimes the latest thing is actually pretty cool, and that's why America tends to gravitate towards it.

Behold the greatness of the McDonalds Angus Burger:

And like most things from Hot Toys and other manufacturers of fine product, "pics don't do it justice". I never thought I'd used the words "Mcdonalds" and "Greatness" in the same sentence except for in whatever month St. Patrick's day is in (believe me there will be blog about it). Going back to the pic, look at how dried out those tomatoes look...and is that an aramark chicken patty under that slice a' cheese or a hunk a' meat? And what's this on the top? I don't want any of that "Ciabatta" shit. Don't be fooled by this less than flattering image I lazily found on google after about 5 seconds of searching and skipping the better picture due to it not loading...as Sam Jackson would say "this IS a tasty burger!"

Upon first opening the burger from its bombshell you'll notice several things eye catching immediatly.

1. Seeds. Not just like the generic seeds you see on top of Wonderbread buns. I mean different varieties of grain grown in chemical labs for the corporate intent of McDonalds. It's serious business. Like seeds you'd find on rye bread. Thankfully none of those sausage seeds. Everything is wrong with those bastards.

2. Multiple slices of cheese. I'm a man who appreciates cheese. I appreciate cheesy jokes. I appreciate cheesy burgers. A true American man likes American cheese, and McDonalds piles it on. I'd like to secretely believe that while McDonalds exists in most countries, they devote the greatest amount of cheese to the customers in states. Just a little thank you to their roots. But cheese doesnt grow in the ground. Cheesy?

3. MAYONAISE! Some people connonate mayo with feeling sick or it's obvious visual association with a certain bodily excrement but I'll be damned if I don't love mayonaise. I pile it on in heaping quantities to every sandwhich I eat except an ice cream sandwhich, and even those sometimes too. Why? It tastes good. How ridiculous are you? The first thing I noticed opening the bun and sifting through the useless and yet extravagant garnish of vegetables was a heaping pile of mayonaise. Savor it.

4. Vegetables. Like I said these are essentially a garnish designed to be removed. Pickles don't belong on a burger. If you're like me you leave one slice of lettuce, a single "tomat" and a pile of onions. If you're even more like me than you think you are, you also have onion breath nearly 6 hours after consuming this burger.

So those are the immediate thoughts. You know what else? It takes more than a second to woof it down. Approximately two seconds. While it still slightly has a manufactured quality the more frequently I order it, upon first glance, the Angus burger feels like REAL burger at a real dining facility with a credible reputation. You feel like an important man when you strut up to the counter at mcdonalds "oh ho ho I'll take the angus burger please". They know you aren't fuckin around then. They nod to the people in the back and tell them to use the vice grips to handle this big meaty sombitch. Don't underestimate me handmaiden of snack wraps and supplier of milkshake...I come demanding one thing...ANGUS!

This is all for now. I'm not sure how this ties into nostalgia other than how I remember McDonalds used to give you paper thin burgers bathed in those weird little onion cubes and ketchup and this is clearly the better menu item. Real men eat angus burgers.

And now I fully expect Mcdonalds ads to appear on my blog. They've earned their spot unlike those "congragulations you won an ipod" assholes.