90's rocks LIVES...(in the rainforest)

So 90’s Rocks died a painful death it seems. But now it's back. It's a zombie blog. Scratch that. Fuck zombies. I'm tired of how trendy they are now. I liked them better as the subject of cult films. A lot has happened since the last installment in the chronicling of promotional food items and the unwarranted worship of lowbrow crap intended for children. It’s not really worth opening that can of tuna right now though, when there’s new inspiration afoot for more passionate rambling about the unimportant. The show must go on; though I feel like I’ve said that before on this blog. Sloth can be the vice of men, and I fear I’ll never write another word in my life of my own volition unless I just painfully bring hand to trackpad and sweat it out. So that’s this then. I’m dedicating this post to a certain blogger, whose achievements in the blogosphere make this one look pitiful; but motivated me to keep at it.

This past summer one of my good friends and I traveled to Orlando on what was essentially a suicide mission to meet Mark Hamill (which didn’t even pan out). Apparently now days Mark’s career has devolved into charging over 100 bucks for a photo op. Who does he think he is…Bill Murray? Anyway, while we were taking buses and cabs around the city of dreams hunting down K Marts and Chick Fil A in the ass-kicking heat, I insisted that we go to DOWNTOWN DISNEY. If you’re living a meaningless life, and you’re unfamiliar with Orlando Florida’s layout and in particular the layout of the Disney Parks (which I think I could easily write 10-15 blog posts about) then you’ll know about the subdivision marketplace area lovingly called DOWNTOWN DISNEY. I think this place really peaked in its cool factor for me at the early turn of the century when the phrase “virtual reality” actually fucking meant something. They had this building full of simulators called Disney Quest which was a popular birthday destination. They also had a huge Virgin Records store, which was the first place in the world where I discovered the scent of marijuana. One of the coolest features was this Planet Hollywood gift shop thing which had insanely expensive film props. We’re talking actual Batman Forever costumes and Ewok fur. The things men go to war to protect. When I was younger I was all about the LEGO store there too. All of these good things have been torn down, replaced or metaphorically shit on over the years and I pity the current younger generation that is told that this is what “fun is all about.” You know nothing about fun. It’s not too late though. It’s never too late, as long as Rainforest Café still stands. Motherfuck!


So what drew your attention to Rainforest café? Oh maybe that it’s a giant goddamn volcano? Or maybe the enormous mushroom standing guard of the place. Or maybe the big animatronic alligator howling out of his aged voice chip at the door? Sidenote: We need more animatronic creatures in today’s society. I miss being able to walk into museums and seeing Dinosaurs and then trying to feed them debris against the will of the “No Touching” signs. So if themed food is pretty much the best thing in the world and if y=mx+b, then clearly a themed RESTAURANT is almost too good for the general public to be allowed to even set eyes on. Walking into Rainforest Café is a sensory overload. I can’t even begin to describe it properly. How can I possibly impart that smell of recycled fountain water? I’m just going to close my eyes and put myself there, typing out a stream of consciousness attempting to describe this place to you.

Apes. Big ol lovable apes banging on their boobs. That is a huge fucking parrot. I didn’t know they came in that size. There is a frog on that tree. Oh yes there are trees. Did you like the sky in Harry Potter? That’s good because the sky in here is like the night sky with light up dots on it. Every twenty minutes or so it’s gonna rain so you better be prepared. There are snakes hanging from the ceiling. Copious amounts of Spanish Moss…I’m afraid it’s going to fall onto my plate. How can a grilled cheese be that expensive? Can I try your cocktail mom? They aren’t going to ARREST us for god sakes it looks like tomato juice! Did you guys see how cool the bathrooms are? Boy this place really makes Bugaboo Creek look like the 7th layer of hell doesn’t it? I’m not leaving without at least 20 bucks worth of animal related shit from the gift shop. Airbrushed t-shirts preferable.

And before you know it the whirlwind of pure elation is over and you’re paying the bill leaving mildly hungry but also possibly suffering from indigestion. Rainforest is a fan of the tiny portion, but fuck it who goes there for the food? Someday I’d like to go back to Rainforest when I’m old enough to drink beer like a real man on a safari and get WASTED and crack up at the elephants. I’m pretty sure that the air vents in Rainforest expel pure MDMA or something. The only other restaurant that can get me stoked like this is this Mars 2112 place in New York which has an Alien Motif, complete with costumed assholes. Rainforest is/was a chain as far as I know though, and there were others to attend outside or Orlando. I think that it’s in a vacation spot only adds to the experience though.

I’ve been to Rainforest 2 times in the past decade. That’s about 96 times too few. I think one hundred would be a little excessive. I’m really hoping they stay in business long enough to remain my fall back plan of employment if this whole college thing doesn’t work out. This also might be one of those “You had to be there” type things where if you went there for the first time now like my friend did this summer; as you might be unable to fully appreciate the awe inspiring awesome of Rainforest. So save the trees folks…otherwise there won’t be a reason for Rainforest Café to parody nature anymore; though as far as I’m concerned the world could become a post apocalyptic, carbon monoxide filled wasteland as long as we still celebrated Halloween and there was a Rainforest Café somewhere. And shamrock shakes. Those are really important too. I’ve had 9 of them since the month started. It’s like my very own March Madness minus the sports.

FINAL TOP TEN MOVIES LIST

I waffled over (a turn of phrase which I adore) these picks for at least three weeks before I was confident enough in my choices to post them. Movies ended up being very hard to choose this year and I still don't think I'm entirely sure about the ordering of my top five. People complained all year about how 2010 was a "weak year", but now that it's come and gone, I actually really enjoyed a lot of movies this year; certainly more than 2009. I'll proceed to count down from ten for 2010 until I hit my FAVORITE film of the year. I'm judging these purely based on what I enjoyed the most. That means I might be bias to my personal tastes.

10. Kick Ass.
Prior to this film's release I was sure this was hipster garbage/trendy bullshit/etc etc etc. I avoided it for a long time before Sarah got me to see it. Sure it is "popular" and trendy among teens because at the core it is a teen movie; but there's a lot of great satire in this film that pokes fun at the conventions of the superhero genre. Like any other comic book geek, I've spent a while wondering if I were to actually don a cape and cowl how would I go about doing it? Where do you even begin? It's an interesting premise; but rather than go for a realistic angle they went for over the top violence. It works pretty well and makes an entertaining movie. Also, I'm a huge fan of anything CAGE, so the fact that he plays "Batman" was a major plus. Oh...and the last line is a Jack Nicholson Joker quote. Kudos.

9. Tron.
I must admit a bias here seeing the movie under..."ideal" conditions. I'm not a fan of movies that only focus on sight-gags, like Avatar, but unlike Avatar, this movie doesn't try to pretend to be some highbrow poignant piece of art. It's just meant to be fun and sleek and cool...and JEFF BRIDGES.

8. Iron Man 2.
Yet ANOTHER movie I was so ready to despise and I was so satisfied with. This is just rock and roll bliss playing out on screen. Robert Downey is always believable and cool, and I enjoyed Paltrow, Cheadle and the other members of the supporting cast (EXCEPT SCARLETT BLECH) as well. Sam Rockwell really stole the show and made the movie for me as corporate jackass Justin Hammer; easily one of my favorite film characters of the year. The action is good and the tone of the movie knows just what a superhero film should be. It takes itself just seriously enough.

7. Easy A.
Teen movies can be pretty fun if they're done tastefull and if the script is solid. It's been a while since a touching and sincere one has come along, despite the goofy stereotypical portrayls of high school always found in cinema. The last one I loved was Mean Girls, which is almost difficult to criticize; and while I have some problems with characterization and suspension of disbelief, not to mention motivation of the main character in Easy A, the acting carries it. Emma Stone is a natural and Stanley Tucci somehow manages to steal the show despite only being in like three scenes.

6. Black Swan.
Oh. An art film. I guess I'm getting to the meat of the issue now huh? This movie was immersive, surrealist and totally psychotic; and I felt it was Natalie Portman's best acting role to date. It's nice to see she's graduated the George Lucas school of wooden acting and moved on to bigger and better things that really showcase her ability. She's about 90% of the movie and the other ten percent is mostly comprised of her reflection in various mirrors, but it's creepy and it actually has a good message about the impossibility of perfection.

5. 127 Hours.
Horrifying and kinetic, I didn't have great expectations for a Danny Boyle film, but James Franco was totally fantastic; and I feel he gave the best performance in a lead role of the year. It's so much more than a movie about a guy who falls down a hole and cuts off his arm, it's about a guy clinging to life but also struggling to figure out what's worth living for simultaneously and regretting all his careless misanthropic years while staring death in the face. I loved it.

4. Toy Story 3.
Until the most recent revisions to my list, this was fittingly number 3, but I realized my top 3 are all interchangable and I like them all just about evenly. Since I like this movie a little bit less than those, it has to get number 4, but that doesn't mean it's not brilliant. Pixar is just on top of their game with every release. Tear Jerkers for adults and adventure films for kids. I loved Lotso Huggin Bear, the antagonist of the movie as well. A perfect ending to a series I grew up with. If this won best picture, I'd be thrilled.

3. The Town.
I really don't know if this is my favorite or 2nd or 3rd. This was a HARD call, but I have to go by entertainment and gut reactions so this is going to have to get the number 3 spot. Amazing that Ben Affleck co-wrote and directed and acted (very well at that) in this local crime movie. It's a lot of fun to watch and while the plot kind of rips of "Heat" a lot of aspects are just as well done, if not better; especially the romantic aspect. Jeremy Renner is pretty great too, and the nun masks were awesome.

2. True Grit.
I previously said number one, and I may go back to that notion but I loved this movie. The Coen Bros. are always fantastic and quite possibly the most talented directors alive right now with their fantastic pacing and humor. Jeff Bridges, Josh Brolin, Matt Damon and most of all Hallie Steinfeld are oscar worthy in their respective roles and nothing feels over done or out of place. It's traces of Coen humor scattered across a bleak western with a fairly light hearted adventure story. Unlike a lot of the Coen's recent work, I feel like this one will please just about everyone (except my tasteless friends).

1. MACHETE.
A top ten list ultimately comes down to what I personally had the most fun watching and enjoyed the most as a viewer, and watching Machete I was like a kid in a candy shop. This movie appeals to my sensibilities on so many levels: humor, glorified violence and "lame irony". The casting alone is an absurd joke despite strong leads from Danny Trejo and Michelle Rodriguez (forget Jessica Alba) with unexpected great performances from Steven Seagal, Lindsay Lohan, Robert DeNiro, Cheech Martin, and even cameos from the likes of special fx genius Tom Savini. After Grindhouse, the most fun I had at the movies in 2007 I was bloodthirsting for more and Machete delivered. Sure it's not a high concept thinking piece, but what the hell...I bothered to see it FOUR TIMES theatrically. Rodriguez makes the kind of movies that to me as an aspiring filmmaker seem like a ton of fun to work on and the end result just has the cast and audience sitting back and laughing together having a great time.

well there you have it. My wordy top ten, but I really put some thought into this list and I hope you enjoyed reading it. Here are my honorable mentions:

Jackass
Predators
The Fighter
King Speech

and I still want to see Despicable Me, Exit Through the Gift Shop, Blue Valentine and Winter's Bone.

The most stellar and yet diabolical Diseny Villains

When I was a kid I was never able to get behind smarmy protagonist characters. It might be because Disney protagonists were always minorities or women (sorry kids) but clearly the characters that were the target audience of little boy's affection were the villains. The villains usually offered more intelligence, class and more blues-type musical numbers than the hero characters. Rather than simply combat a situation, they created the situation. I think the key to ANY successful story is a great antagonist, the opposite of everything the hero stands for. In the case of say, Tarzan you have an idiotic man who communicates with monkeys and swings around on vines while the monkeys bang pots and pans to the music of Phil Collins. Clearly the saving grace of this film is the devious hunter emptying rounds of his musket into angry monkeys. I think the villain characters, while often time not the most complex characters in the stories are well rounded and always overblown, nefarious and classically maniacal. In Disney Movies, the villains are archetypes of prejudice and hatred and everything shitty but hilarious. As a kid I thought they were bad ass and now I can see they're humorous satires of larger themes of the greater evils in the world. You'll know if you become a regular reader of my blog I'm a huge fan of lists. I love listing things. I love ranking things. I don't like READING statistics but oh damn do I loves me some lists. I think it's almost a compulsion at this point but I know that there are people out there who share my listing enthusiasm so without further ado...my list of the 10 best/my favorite Disney Villains. This one was tough to compile and all things were considered. I'm going to go ahead and include the efforts of Pixar in this as well.

10. Ursula-The Little Mermaid
No one likes a fat bitch. Especially a fat overbearing bitch with the lower body (or complex animatronic dress) made of black tentacles. She commands eels and has a huge mole on her face. She also has the sensibilities and the haircut of a butch lesbian. She wants Ariel's voice because she has a beautiful voice. Tell me that's not bizzare. I think one quality of a villain is that you can root against them and as insidiously stupid as every other character in this film is (from what I remember of it) except the Rastafarian crab, you can really come to hate Ursula. So there she is, perching her fat tentacled ass atop the backend of the list.

9. Chernabog-Fantasia
This one is a semi-longshot. I feel like I've joined the unspoken Disney nerd-fandom simply by calling this character by name, but believe me I would not have known it save for stumbling into it online. The disney theme parks also love to hype the shit out of chernabog on pins and posters. I mean he's basically a giant satan and it doesn't get more evil than that. I don't see chernabog as terribly evil though. He's just a giant bored guy with horns whose a nudist. At night he comes out of his mountain and he pokes and prods little demons and fucks with them for the lolz. Chernabog is not amused. Then he sets a bunch of ghosts on the empty town and watches them fly around. When he gets bored watching little people fly around and get burnt up he gets tired and goes to sleep. Sure he's a menacing figure and he could probably burn you to a crisp but I don't see anything terrifically bad about Chernabog. He's just makin lolz. And I respect that.

8. Cruella De Ville-101 Dalmations
Not Glenn Close. The original one. She's the definition of ugly old bitch. She wears coats made of dogs and she chain smokes. She has red high heels and a black dress to match and the hair cut of sweeney todd with a bony pig nose. She's just a huge bitch basically but once again clearly the most interesting character of the film. I'd go so far as to say she's a scene stealer but the canine crunchies commercial really is something grand. Cruella Deville is the Lady Gaga of the Disney Universe. Either her or that other crazy old hussie Ezra from the Emperor's new Groove. I thought that film broke the Disney mold too much though so screw it.

7. Captain Hook-Peter Pan
There are intimidating villains (which we haven't gotten to yet), trolling villains (like Chernabog) and the hilariously comical incompetent morons like Captain Hook. I LOVED Captain Hook as a kid. I loved the piracy. I loved that giant red coat. I loved the plumed hat. I think I was Captain Hook for Halloween one year. At any rate, he's a huge screw up who can't even defeat a group of children (even though in the live action version he killed RUFIO). He's afraid of a particular (and possibly the ONLY) crocodile in the populas of neverland and he employees a chubby old man to pilot his vessel. Clearly he fails at piracy but it's hilarious watching him do it. Eventually you kind of feel sorry for him getting shafted time after time. I was surprised when I watched the film again when I was older just how much life sucks for Hook.

6. Clayton-Tarzan
In the 90's the Disney filmmakers tried to touch on sensitive subjects, racism and environmental issues. Gone were the straight up fairy tales of yore, now we were dealing with topics such as POACHING. Clayton was by all accounts a poacher. And not just of elephants mind you. He killed motherfuckin apes, the closest animal kingdom relatives to human beings. He didn't give a damn if Tarzan thought he was an ape either, he'd kill him too in the same manner he killed his "father figure". Clayton is essentially that hunter from Jumanji with a more charming smile. He meets one of the most brutal ends of any disney villain too, being HUNG from a vine.

5. Judge Claude Frollo-The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Like I said, in the 90's Disney was involved in some tedious shit that was questionable at best bieng handed to kids but I sure didn't mind at the time. I don't think I could really get behind Frollo as a kid with his frumpy hat and his whole being old thing. Now that I'm older I can really appreciate how twisted and villainous this character is. He might be one of the most realistically horrible people in the entire Disney universe. Frollo kills gypsys. He hates em'. Racist and a judge to boot. Then he loves a gypsy but he even knows himself that it's adultery. Hell. He personally calls it LICENTIOUS. Then he hates his "servant" Quasi Modo and treats him like shit. At the end of the day he wants Quasi's girl to go burn in hell and he wants to light Paris on fire on a mad hunt to kill all the Gypsis. Crazy elitst bastard. He sings a song called HELLFIRE to boot. Not unsprisingly he falls off of Notre Dame. Saw that coming from the first five minutes.

4. Shan-Yu-Mulan
Mulan seems to be a fan favorite from my particular generation of kids. The "Be a Man" song in particular resonated among my friends and I've heard it recited many times even in my everday life. Mulan cross dresses and joins the army to defeat the Huns. Who are the huns? Large grey men. Large grey men lead by SHAN YU. He's a bad ass. You wouldn't want to mess with Shan Yu. Straight up possibly one of the fiercest motherfuckers in the Disney Universe. An avalanche falls on his head and he survives. He has a FALCON on his shoulder and he carries a highly ineffective and curvy sword. He burns down a village and laughs at the doll of a dead child. Cold hearted and big as a truck. How do you stop a beast like this? It took a rocket to take him down but he'll be immortalized forever in this largely unread blog post.

3. Syndrome-The Incredibles
With the Incredibles, Disney and Pixar tackled a great subject, a retro superhero film. At the same time, they added a twist on the cliche super hero plot. Mr. Incredible is boring and retired. The day of the heroes is over (trust me this isn't watchmen). He's brought back into action by a great villain...Syndrome. Syndrome was once a fanatical FAN of Mr. Incredible but now he's a techno-obsessed maniac who is bent on wiping out those who were gifted with powers and looking like a hero himself. He's hero worship to the point of being a villain. It's such a unique take on a super villain let alone a Disney Villain that I can't recall even hearing anything similar before. Syndrome addresses the villainous cliches and even goes on a brilliant "monologue" in which he has a self aware moment and acknowledges the fact that he's monologuing. Red haired and obnoxious, he convienently makes himself easy to hate too. Syndrome was a tough contender for these top spots but I'm going to have to give #2 to...

2. Scar-The Lion King
I really really waffled over giving Scar the #1 spot because he's just that great. He's Shakespearean in the sense that he kills off his own brother and then he tries to kill off his brother's son too. He's a scheming lazy bastard and he lounges with Hyenas of all creatures. He also sings the phrase, Quid-pro-quo, which you'd have to be pretty evil to include in a song. Lions are intimidating already. How do you take a story where the protagonist is a lion and make the villain scarier? Simple. Give him dark skin and a black mane of hair and let him enslave and imprison the other animals. Scars a pretty shitty king who doesn't know how to run the economy once it's up to him too, which speaks volumes for the modern audience and their complaints towards the presidents of the past few years.



and what could my #1 possibly be?





I bet you saw it from a mile coming.





I bet you already scrolled down because you like spoilers.




I bet you guessed it when you clicked on this post.





I'm second guessing giving this one the #1 spot instead of scar honestly .





oh well I really like him .





1. HADES! -Hercules
Hades, by nature is the devil. Unlike Chernabog who just tortures his minions and sicks ghosts on an abandoned town though, Hades literally lives in the underworld and chills with a river of souls. Greek Mythology has always been fun and they had the opportunity to make this a very dark character in a modernized and light hearted film. Instead they made the character threatening and yet charming and hilarious. One minute he'll be screaming and lit aflame pounding his minions and the next minute he'll sound like he's selling cars. I think the "car salesman" gag of Hades is one of the things that really "sells" the character for me. It's a very smart character trait with him "making deals." Making deals with the devil has been in many fictional stories to date and often times the Devil comes off as a nice guy before he stabs you in the back and shoves off acting like a dick. That's just the case here. Hades has a grand take over scheme that was never present in actual Greek mythology but he smooth talks his way into having his way and uses dirty tricks like poison. He's condescending and hilariou and his hair is made of blue fire. If these aren't enough reasons to convince you Hades is the #1 Disney Villain, he also has the best introductory line of any Disney Villain bar none, "You know I haven't been this choked up since I had a chunk of MUSAKA stuck in my throat!" If you enter on a terrible pun/culture spoof, you are destined to be a great antagonist. This is also true of the real world.


To be totally honest and fair though I'm not sure who I prefer though, Hades or Scar. You can say we have a tie, but for pure value of census and statistics, Hades will sit on the number one spot unless I have the energy to edit this post based on my whim and mood.

So there you have it. I'm always bad at saying good bye and conclusions and such so if you have anything to say post it, but for godsakes don't forward this around in emails. I've had enough of that sort of thing happening to me this week already and it's been harrowing experience. If you've stuck with me this far though, I salute you and I thank you for reading.