Friday, January 1, 2010

The world is improving and the herald of the new decade's apparent quality is the ANGUS BURGER

This entry is not true to form, and it has nothing to do with nostalgia. Rather here, I'm talking about something new and exciting. However, we could spin it towards nostalgia in that it's significantly better than what I remember. Sometimes the latest thing is actually pretty cool, and that's why America tends to gravitate towards it.

Behold the greatness of the McDonalds Angus Burger:

And like most things from Hot Toys and other manufacturers of fine product, "pics don't do it justice". I never thought I'd used the words "Mcdonalds" and "Greatness" in the same sentence except for in whatever month St. Patrick's day is in (believe me there will be blog about it). Going back to the pic, look at how dried out those tomatoes look...and is that an aramark chicken patty under that slice a' cheese or a hunk a' meat? And what's this on the top? I don't want any of that "Ciabatta" shit. Don't be fooled by this less than flattering image I lazily found on google after about 5 seconds of searching and skipping the better picture due to it not Sam Jackson would say "this IS a tasty burger!"

Upon first opening the burger from its bombshell you'll notice several things eye catching immediatly.

1. Seeds. Not just like the generic seeds you see on top of Wonderbread buns. I mean different varieties of grain grown in chemical labs for the corporate intent of McDonalds. It's serious business. Like seeds you'd find on rye bread. Thankfully none of those sausage seeds. Everything is wrong with those bastards.

2. Multiple slices of cheese. I'm a man who appreciates cheese. I appreciate cheesy jokes. I appreciate cheesy burgers. A true American man likes American cheese, and McDonalds piles it on. I'd like to secretely believe that while McDonalds exists in most countries, they devote the greatest amount of cheese to the customers in states. Just a little thank you to their roots. But cheese doesnt grow in the ground. Cheesy?

3. MAYONAISE! Some people connonate mayo with feeling sick or it's obvious visual association with a certain bodily excrement but I'll be damned if I don't love mayonaise. I pile it on in heaping quantities to every sandwhich I eat except an ice cream sandwhich, and even those sometimes too. Why? It tastes good. How ridiculous are you? The first thing I noticed opening the bun and sifting through the useless and yet extravagant garnish of vegetables was a heaping pile of mayonaise. Savor it.

4. Vegetables. Like I said these are essentially a garnish designed to be removed. Pickles don't belong on a burger. If you're like me you leave one slice of lettuce, a single "tomat" and a pile of onions. If you're even more like me than you think you are, you also have onion breath nearly 6 hours after consuming this burger.

So those are the immediate thoughts. You know what else? It takes more than a second to woof it down. Approximately two seconds. While it still slightly has a manufactured quality the more frequently I order it, upon first glance, the Angus burger feels like REAL burger at a real dining facility with a credible reputation. You feel like an important man when you strut up to the counter at mcdonalds "oh ho ho I'll take the angus burger please". They know you aren't fuckin around then. They nod to the people in the back and tell them to use the vice grips to handle this big meaty sombitch. Don't underestimate me handmaiden of snack wraps and supplier of milkshake...I come demanding one thing...ANGUS!

This is all for now. I'm not sure how this ties into nostalgia other than how I remember McDonalds used to give you paper thin burgers bathed in those weird little onion cubes and ketchup and this is clearly the better menu item. Real men eat angus burgers.

And now I fully expect Mcdonalds ads to appear on my blog. They've earned their spot unlike those "congragulations you won an ipod" assholes.


  1. those fennel seeds in the sausage ARE vile... and i too love mayo... my sandwiches don't even need fixins

  2. Are kennel seeds the stripy and suspicious looking ones?