Monday, October 25, 2010


It’s been too long since I wrote part 1 of my over analytical entry on the formula of Goosebumps television episodes. But now I’m going to write more because I wasn’t done. This is the natural progression. Seeing as we’ve already cut our way into the narrative, I’m not going to bother recapping the truths I hold to be self evident to Goosebumps from part 1. Here are some things that I’ve noticed about 25 episodes in and the episodes in which I’ve learned these things. Pictures are intermittent:

1. Minorities appear in roughly every third episode.
2. Cats or rabbits serve as fake out scares in every single episode or other small animals.
3. Tensions is cut with editing every time a monster appears and we jump to commercial breaks.
4. Trusted adults or friends always end up as the monster
5. The episodes “Peak” in suspense half way through the episode, which kills any legitimate suspense.
6. Monsters always cackle maniacally.
7. You know the monster is beaten when it blows up.
8. Kids are often grabbed from behind by an adult (not like that you fools!) while investigating some place they shouldn’t be in.

This “blog” has really turned into just a stream of consciousness that I’m unable to organize into coherent thoughts at this point and instead I’ll simply post my reactions to specific episodes in the hope that you’ll take heed and read them to see the ridiculous haircuts and convenient plot devices. So now some notes on specific episodes and screen caps I took highlighting them.

Attack of the jack o lanterns:
-walker is gay as fuck. Whats wrong with his voice
-The proud family. The dad looks like a black Mario
-the bushes are hissing and breathing in just about every shot
-I actually jumped with the jack o lanterns jumped out but they’re giant retards

they cut from the kids walking away from the pumpkins into 2 more pumpkins. What a great scene transition.
-they fart fire out of their faces, which I didn’t even think I could imagine until watching this
-the idea of getting back at people with scaring them on Halloween is identical to haunted mask…but stupider.
-candy fattens you up-Aliens have green dicks for heads

More Monster blood:
80s porn soundtrack on an airplane
“Maybe I’ll be in the same school as you. Even though you’re like five years older than me”
-Fat prick in a hard rock sleeveless jean jacketlook at those fucking goggles.

How to kill a monster:
I don’t think I’d seen this one prior to recently but I could be wrong, either way the house in the book is exactly like the house in the television show. Theres a really crappy Texas Chainsaw massacre vibe about it
-the monster is like king gedorah without the wings
How to kill a monster? Gumbo. Which can be made in a 2 minute montage as you’re keeping a giant monster at bay with a single door lock

How I got my shrunken head:
By season 4 they really got their act together in terms of lighting production value, effects. It really looks like a modern show. Much better intro too. The kids mom is a whore whose low income boyfriends are driven off by her son playing safari. He screams KALI AH similar to mola ram. Sadly the dialogue did not improve.

Shocker on Shock street:
has some of the best creature designs. Solid episode for the most part. Wouldn’t have felt terribly out of place in another horror anthology. Could have been better though because there’s so many changes from the book such as the giant ant and the omission of the graveyard scene. The basic plot structure and good creature designs made for one of the best episodes. Just wish it was truer to the source.

Night of the Living Dummy 2:
probably one of the best remembered and most watched episodes, thanks to the VHS release.
-family night…what the fuck is this? Family show and tell? I hate conservative households
-he filmed his sister in the bathroom?
-this family DESERVES to be destroyed (clearly the best looking family in the show)
-I really wish slappy looked how he did on the book covers.
-Slappy is inheritly creepy, not just dummies in general but the ones in this show. No complex plot is necessary here. We know how this works from the start of the episode. Dummies fuck with family for no apparent reason. No more reasons behind it required. And who wouldn’t fuck with these dumbass families who buy their kids dummies and sing “if you’re happy and you know it” on the guitar on family talent night? These concepts of necessary 90s togetherness make me feel sick. The dummy talking really doesn’t bother the girl too much does it?
-This one is a weak sequel compared to the first one.
-Slappys really not that offensive is he?
-why is slappy afraid of the mom?
- thank god the guitar broke so he cant play shitty music
“I’ve seen better swings on playgrounds”

Fuck it. I don’t care to write about Goosebumps anymore, though I’m sure you’ve enjoyed my reactions to the hideous production quality of this show. I need to review some poptarts. I need a return to sanity.


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  2. I absolutely love this show, I wish they would bring it back and make new episodes.