Monday, October 25, 2010


Despite my not-so-excited feelings towards the product, I had to stop myself from consuming the last pop tart in 30 seconds to hurriedly take this picture somewhere in the vicinity of my stove.

The hype machine is screeching to halt. Halloween is inevitable. It’s going to happen. For better or for worse, we will endure it. We will pull through. The loose threads on our costumes will just have to make do or be taped for now. It’s time to go. Halloween is now six days away, and I’ve been waiting only 359 days for this moment…the moment when I’ll bit into a Halloween pop tart and truly uncork the life of the season. Sure there’s FrankenBerry and BooBerry and Count Chocula and those containers at Mcdonalds that I’d feel foolish asking for in the happy meals along with a myriad of other products that are promoting the season, but it’s crunch time, and I must get out the laundry list of Halloween themed blogs I’ve been planning this week. I actually bought the damn pop tarts in September.
My quest for these repulsive things actually began at CVS and Walgreens and the other usual haunts for me at 2 in the morning when I have nothing better to do than shove food in my face. Then a friend of mine in Florida tipped me off to Target getting in shipments of HALLOWEEN poptarts. The location and stage was set. It’s a funny feeling taking the T around 4 minutes and walking nearly a mile through horse manure attempting to buy seasonal poptarts. A friend of mine actually was curious that that sale of such items wasn’t restricted to someone my age. I imagine they’d start carding for poptarts. If you’re old enough to have a license, Halloween pumpkin-flavored, sprinkle-blasted freeze-dried pastry is not for you. Not really for anyone, but much like the Halloween Oreos, it’s orange and therefore better due to Red Dye 40.
So I made it through the entire box of Halloween flavored poptarts in a couple weeks. It wasn’t easy. I usually just grabbed them on the way out in the morning when there was nothing else to eat. They come two per package and the way I butcher packages combined with my inability to touch my food that I eat (due to like OCD or something) there’s no real way to save em. So you HAVE to have two per sitting. At least I have to. By the time I get half way through the second one my mouth is more dry than a whore house in…eh nevermind. Unlike the Cinnamon poptarts, which you have to eat like a thousand of to get sick of, you’re kind of only in this one for the sprinkles and for the hype. Skip it.
In my next Halloween review I’ll be checking out some great products like donuts or something. Either that or I’ll do a recap of my Halloween weekend, though I’m pretty sure it will progress into absolutely disgusting filth and mayhem that I’ll be too embarrassed to recall.

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